You Are Not Your Thoughts: A Favorite Coping Skill – Cognitive Defusion

When we think about coping, it often feels like just trying to make it through the day. Pushing through. Getting by. Sometimes white-knuckling it. But in therapy, we talk a lot about how to move from just surviving to actually coping—as in, learning intentional, sustainable ways to manage life, our minds, and our feelings.

A lot of people picture therapy as a place to vent or cry while a therapist nods and listens. And of course, that is an important part of what happens in the therapy room. Sharing your story, being heard, and receiving validation is incredibly important. But that’s not the only thing happening in therapy. At its best, therapy is also a place of learning and trying on new tools. It’s a place where we figure out how to approach living and taking care of ourselves differently, with a little more ease and a little more self-compassion.

One of my favorite coping skills to work with is something called cognitive defusion.

So what is cognitive defusion?

Cognitive defusion is a technique from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and at its core, it’s about separating ourselves from our thoughts. Often, we’re so fused with what our brain says that we believe every thought must be true. “I’m not good enough.” “I’m failing.” “They must hate me.” These thoughts feel automatic, loud, and heavy—like facts.

Cognitive defusion invites us to take a step back and notice the thought, rather than be the thought.

It might sound subtle, but this shift is powerful.

Instead of “I’m a failure,” cognitive defusion asks us to say, “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” Or “I notice my brain is really sending me loud unhelpful messages right now.”

It adds space. It creates distance. It reminds us that just because our brain throws a thought our way doesn’t mean we have to catch it and carry it all day. 

Here’s something I really believe: trying to change our thoughts can sometimes backfire. Especially with deeply ingrained thought patterns—the ones that have been on repeat in our minds for years—it can feel like we’re engaged in a tug of war with different parts of our brain.

A lot of people come into therapy thinking they need to “think positively” or “just reframe” every negative thought. And while cognitive reframing can have a place, I’ve found that constantly trying to change our thoughts or having the expectation that we need to have “good” or “right” thoughts all of the time can leave us feeling exhausted and defeated.

Cognitive defusion offers a gentler, more sustainable path. It’s not just a coping skill—it’s also a self-compassion practice. It says: You are a human with a brain that will send you all kinds of thoughts—some helpful, some not. You can’t control every thought. You don’t always need to fix or replace it. Instead, you can simply notice it, name it, and let it pass without getting tangled in it.

And something kind of beautiful happens when we practice this consistently. Over time, some of our thoughts do start to shift—not because we wrestled them into submission, but because we stopped feeding them so much power. We stopped shaming ourselves for having that same unhelpful thought again—because we began to understand: we may not be able to control the thought itself, and that’s okay. It’s just a thought. And from that place of compassion and distance, we can redirect our attention to what matters next, rather than getting stuck in the exhausting loop of trying to “think correctly” (as if there were such a thing).

In sessions, I use this tool often. When a client is spiraling in self-criticism or stuck in a story that’s hurting them, I might say, “Let’s pause. What would happen if you said, ‘I’m noticing the thought that I’m not doing enough’?” The moment they do that, their eyes soften a little. Their breath deepens. It doesn’t erase the thought, but it loosens its grip.

Cognitive defusion helps us observe our inner dialogue rather than be consumed by it. And that can change everything.

Therapy isn’t just about talking and being heard—though that matters deeply. It’s also about learning. Learning what’s happening in your brain. Learning new language. Learning what works for you. And then, most importantly, it’s about applying those skills outside the therapy room.

The goal is for you to leave with tools you can actually use—not just ideas that live in your notebook. Therapy is about taking the well-worn map you’ve been walking and starting to draw some new paths. It’s about creating literal new neural pathways in your brain that say, “There’s another way.”

Cognitive defusion is just one way we begin to reorient ourselves. Instead of reacting automatically to every thought, we pause. We observe. We choose how to respond. And over time, this becomes more natural—more integrated.

So next time you notice your brain shouting something mean or anxious or overwhelming, try this:

“I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that…”

It might feel strange at first. That’s okay. Like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

Therapy is where we practice. Life is where we apply.

And little by little, coping becomes less about surviving and more about new ways of living.